Letter: Santa Claus to
Chester Elf
It was good to hear from you,
Chester, and I’m glad that you’re getting on well. I’ll see if I can get a credit card to you
shortly. It is awfully difficult to do
much of anything these days without one.
Your manager at the shop was supposed to make sure you had the thing
before you left, but it seems that didn't happen. Also, it looks like Dasher has managed to
break a few rivets on his harness and it may take a little time to
prepare. It seemed like for a while you
couldn't step around the North Pole without stepping on a blasted rivet, but
now there seem to be none in sight. In
the mean time, I will FAX a credit card number to the store manager where you
are, and that should take care of your immediate need. I am curious to see this “Elf Can” you spoke
of in
your letter.
That said, I think your manager
failed to tell you the objective of your mission south. The point of your trip, as it’s been far too
many years you've been penned-up in that workshop and as much as you don’t seem
to mind it, is to become acquainted with the twenty-first century. The little boxes you speak of are called CELL
PHONES. Most people use a very common variant
of this invention called a, “smart phone.”
Generally when they are not using it as a phone, and sometime then they
ARE, they will be using their smart phones to do stupid things. This has lead to those laws that you spoke
of. The mechanical carriages are called “automobiles”
but this term is generally abbreviated to “auto” or “car” in common
speech. The operation of these vehicles
is called, “driving,” and texting while driving is (agreed) one of the most
dangerous things someone can do as it makes the driver actually (if you can
believe it) WORSE than a DRUNKARD at the reins. Oh, and just wait till you discover the, "Internet." As for the O-M-G you got from the girl, SHE was being selfish, you can
add her to the, “naughty list.” You should know that we now
denote gender when we refer to youngsters these days.
So for the time being, I think you
will need some extra help and I've arranged to have you seek out a very special
individual who’s been down there for some years now. He helps me a great deal with the kids and
getting their Christmas wishes, but he’s not terribly near you I’m afraid. Also, As Dasher’s harness is being repaired
you may have to leave your present location in Mackinaw City (or were you on
Mackinac Island?), and take a riverboat to New York City. He’s in Queens, or was it the Bronx? Anyway, He’s well nested in the heart of the
concrete jungle, and you’ll find him there, I’m certain. He’s my best elf, and
I don’t think anyone has ever been as prodigious as he in getting to know the
kids of today. He is very much a
multi-talented fellow. He once drew a
picture of the misses; I have it hanging in my study. It shows her blindfolded with a hand on
Rudolph’s back, nose lit bright as ever, and pointing him into the darkness as
if leading him there. I always find
myself in a reflective mood when I look at it.
Anyway, you should hurry up and get yourself on the first boat to New
York City.
Thank you for all the help.
Good luck,
Nicholas Claus, Santa
PS: I forgot to
mention the name of this gentleman you’re to find. He goes by the sir name Kurtz. The manager there should be able to help you.
