Gettysburg 2013

REV: SO... It looks like he's reading the First Draft - the Nocolay Copy:
See here - http://www.abrahamlincolnonline.org/lincoln/speeches/gettysburg.htm

Gettysburg Address (2013):

Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on upon this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of it that field, as a final resting place for those who died here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.  This we may in all propriety do.

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate -- we can not consecrate -- we can not hallow -- this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have hallowed consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract.

The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but while it can never forget what they did here. It is rather for us the living, rather, we here to be dedicated here to the great task before us unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us -- that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they here gave the last full measure of devotion -- that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain -- that this the nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom -- and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.

-- Abraham Lincoln Barack Obama
Nov. 19, 1863 2013

Someone once told me that you can tell when someone is lying by the way they blink.  If their eyes blink together, their telling the truth.  Of one eye blinks before the other, they're lying.  This was snapped at the end of the "...shall not have died in vein..." line.

Hmmmmm....

Open Letter To Senator Carl Levin and Debbie Stabenow.

While I try to take the satirical approach on this blog when dealing with politics, it seems that the situation in our nations capital has become such that it warrants a more seriously toned letter.

The following is a letter I sent to Senator Carl Levin, D-MI.

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Senator Levin,

I am most displeased with the rhetoric coming from our nation’s capitol of late.  While the House Republicans have a fair share of blame to take for this, please don’t think for one second that the citizenry, the 99% of the population in the middle of the road, don’t see that there is PLENTY of blame to go around.  With the state of things regarding the sequester, the government shutdown, and now a DEFAULT on our national debt.  You people really want to play with brinksmanship?  Here’s what I’m thinking, and I’m CERTAIN I’m not alone:  There’s an election coming up next year.  I’m not sure if your name is on the ballot for that one or the following being as you’re term is 6 years, BUT never fear I intend to launch a campaign to oust ALL INCUMBENTS for the NEXT SIX YEARS so that we can finally free Our United States from the grip of elected officials and career politicians who only seem to pull further and further to the extreme. 

Like many Americans, I have already been affected by the ACA.  I USED to be able to take a salary reduction of up to $5,000 to be put into a Medical Savings Account.  Unfortunately, the leadership of your party felt that there was a need for more tax dollars and decided to strap people with medical conditions and high medical bills with higher taxes by getting rid of their “loopholes” while maintaining the loopholes for Big Oil and others (You know, the companies declaring multi-billion dollar profits and paying precious little in taxes).  Well, the medical savings account maximum has been cut in half.  My medical savings account was empty in May this year while LAST YEAR, before the ACA’s limit in medical savings accounts, lasted until November at the maximum amount.  I’m sure YOU don’t have to worry about how the ACA will affect you because Congress are exempted from the ACA.  It was policies like these here in Michigan that had me spending 2008 away from my family in Delaware at a new job trying to move there.  “Fortunately” I was unable to sell my house and my employer opened up my same position in Grand Rapids that I was doing in Delaware (engineering software support) which allowed me to move home again.  I was one of the lucky ones.  While I was out East, I got to meet several Michigan “refugees” (that what we called jokingly ourselves).  Frankly, the best thing that happened to Michigan, and especially for Michigan JOBS, was the removal of Jennifer Granholm.  I watched many long-time companies pack up shop and either fold completely or move out of state (some just across the border to Indiana and Ohio). 

I would greatly prefer that my nation, the land and people I love, follow in those footsteps.  People have been saying that Obama is an anti-colonialist who seeks to downsize America for a few years now.  While it’s great to have the media re-iterate that it’s all the fault of the Republicans, I don’t believe for one second that the Democrats and our President, who states in one sentence that he will accept nothing but 100% of what he wants and in the next posits the question to the camera how it is that anyone can expect a negotiation where one side would get 100% of what they’re asking for – referring to the House Republicans, are blameless.  That’s just a load of hooey. 

I know that compromise happens when NEITHER side is completely happy, but Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid put this disaster together in a late night session (Yes, I know they weren’t alone, but they WERE the two majority leaders) and never brought it up for any kind of debate or vote over its final form.  They thumbed their noses at the American people declaring that it was all LEGAL and NOW we get to find out what they REALLY wrote because all the important parts were not defined and thus would be defined via Administrative Law, thus preventing judicial scrutiny (or at least avoiding for as long as possible by way of financially wearing-out any challengers by keeping any such challenge stuck in bureaucratic purgatory). 

I cannot believe that we’ve got children running our nation.  This thing reads like the reports of a playground fight and the kids are all pointing fingers in every direction saying the other one or group did it.  Please get your collective heads together and figure out how to compromise.  You’re hurting our nation.

If our nation defaults on its debt, I would think you should do the honorable thing and resign.  But I’m sure you won’t so expect resistance at your next election.  You can let Debbie Stabenow know my sentiments for her are likewise.  I’ll write Justin Amash myself.

Paul

First Draft - Obama to Federal Workers (sic)

(QNN) Washington, DC:
Message from the President to U.S. Government Employees (First Draft):

October 1, 2013

To all you pawns and serfs in my game of chicken with the legislature (the dedicated and hard-working employees of the United States Government):

The Federal Government is America’s largest employer and we will not have a growth of competition from private sources, but with more than 2 million civilian workers and 1.4 million active duty military who serve my every whim and in all 50 States and around the world.

But Congress, that body of loathsome bastards, has failed upon my own orders to meet its responsibility to pass a budget before the fiscal year that begins today. I made sure to veto or threaten veto of any bill that doesn’t meet my, your glorious dictator’s, exact demands.  And that means much of our Government must shut down effective today.

I want you to know that I will keep working to make sure that this affects the poorest, lowliest, and most in need people and creates the most pain upon the innocent so as to entice my enemies into capitulation get Congress to reopen the Government, restart vital services that the American people depend on, and allow public servants who have been sent home to return to work. At my direction, your agencies have sent your sorry asses packing and should have reached out to you by now about what a shutdown means for you and your families; imminent starvation, disease, and death as you will not have your government to depend upon.

Today, I wanted to take a moment to tell you what you mean to me—and to our country.

Again, you are my pawns in this game and I need you to call your republican congressmen and harass them into compliance with my demands.  We need a full-court press.  I’ve commissioned MSNBC to lead the charge, and I need all of you, my faithful subjects, to use social media to rally people around my cause.  Don’t worry, I can always declare martial law, outlaw elections and then the bill of rights.  We have gun registries so we can round-up all the guns that are not in the hands of my regime so you need not fear, we will be a safe society soon enough.

That begins by saying thank you for the work you do every day—work that is vitally important to my regime our national security and to American families’ economic security, not to mention my own bank account. You defend my regime (our country) overseas and ensure that our troops receive the scraps I’m willing to afford them benefits they deserve when they come home. You guard our borders and protect our civil rights, and thanks for not grilling me too badly over that whole Fast and Furious episode. You help small businesses expand and gain new footholds in overseas markets, but they need to know that they couldn’t do it without their government and your beloved leader. You guide hundreds of thousands of people each day through the glory of America’s national parks and monuments, from Yosemite to the Statue of Liberty to the soon to be revealed Obama Father-man Statue to replace the Lincoln Memorial. And much more.

You do all this in a political climate that, too often in recent years, has treated you like a punching bag, and if you mention the Democratic Party in any of that complaint we’ll find you – the NSA has you covered. Just know your place and shut your face. You have endured three years of a Federal pay freeze, harmful sequester cuts because I just had to get more out of the House Republicans after shaking on a deal when the Gang of 6 came up with a more tantalizing plan, and now, my (a) shutdown of our Government. And yet, you persevere, continuing to serve the American people with passion, professionalism, and skill.  Of course you’re not allowed to volunteer so be sure to go home and do nothing.

None of this is fair to me (you). (And s)Should it continue, it will make it more difficult to keep attracting the kind of driven, patriotic, idealistic fascist Americans to public endenture (service) that our citizens deserve and that I (our system of self-government) demand(s).

Public service is noble. Public service is important. Public service is national pride. And by choosing public service, you carry on a proud tradition at the heart of some of this country’s greatest and most lasting achievements. In fact, more than 50 current or former Federal employees have received the Nobel Prize for their efforts, myself included. It was grants from the Department of Energy that helped businesses unlock new sources of renewable energy at Solyndra, and from the National Science Foundation that helped entrepreneurs like the founders of Beacon Power (Google) change the world. It is your efforts that will help this country meet the great challenge of our time—rebuilding an economy where all who work hard can get a paycheck from the government (ahead).

So while the budget fights in Washington are too gruesome to allow you to know the details (often partisan), your service to the country, the fatherland, must never falter (be). As one of my predecessors, President George H.W. Bush, once said, “There is nothing more fulfilling than to serve your country and your fellow citizens and to do it well. And that is what our system of fascism (self-government) depends on.”

This shutdown was completely preventable, all I had to do was sit down and negotiate. But why should I do that when Nancy Pelosi did as I instructed and the other members of the Democratic Party followed along in lock-heel along with us.  You all marched to the drum of MSNBC and the promise of Change, and CHANGE you got!  It should not have happened. And the House of Representatives can end it as soon as it follows the Senate’s lead and my executive orders, and funds your work in the United States Government without trying to attach highly controversial and unapproved (partisan) measures in the process.

Hopefully, we will resolve this quickly. I will stand my ground as this is the beginning of the dream I got from my father to downsize America and put an end to colonialism around the world. In the meantime, I want you to know—whether you are a young person who just joined the ranks of my regime (public service) because you want to make a difference, or a career employee who has dedicated your life to the Fatherland (that pursuit)—you and your families remain at the front of my mind, and squarely on my chessboard. Your agency leaders and I will continue to defend your work at a time when that work has rarely been more important. We will continue to work with your agencies to keep you and your families apprised and informed of what propaganda needs spreading (is happening). And I will continue to do everything in my power to get the House of Representatives to capitulate and allow our Government to reopen as quickly as possible, and make sure you receive the pay that we have wrenched from those greedy capitalists (you have earned).

Thank you, again, for your service, your sacrifice, and everything you do every day for this country we love so much.  I know I couldn’t make such a sacrifice.

Sincerely,

President Obama

Brought to you by QNN, The Questionable News Network.

First Drafts - A Series of Parodies.

I call these little works, "First Drafts."  They're generally taken from a public speech or letter and the crossed-out sections have been added to give a feel for the subtext and for the purpose of parody.

Please enjoy:

WASHINGTON, DC (QNN) – Newly obtained first draft of House Speaker John Boener's letter to the President regarding the "Death Panels":

May 9, 2013
The President
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500

(Dear) Mr. President,

We write to respond to your March 29, 2013 letter demanding requesting that we submit the names of individuals to be publicly humiliated by serving(e) on the Individual Payment Advisory Board (IPAB), which was created in the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act (Public Law 111-148).  Because the law will give IPAB’s 15 unelected, unaccountable individuals the ability to euthanize (deny) seniors (access to innovative care), we have to tell you to go fuck yourself we respectfully decline to recommend appointments.

As you know, we opposed the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act because we knew it was a money pit and power grab would increase health costs, impose costly burdens on job creators, and raid Medicare to pay for a massive new entitlement.  In order to allow supporters to claim that the law’s Medicare cuts would be realized in the future, it tasked IPAB with slashing reducing payments to providers or eliminating payments for lifesaving certain treatments and procedures altogether.  These slashed reduced payments will force providers to stop seeing Medicare patients, the same way an increased number of doctors have stopped taking Medicaid patients.  This will lead to access outages problems, indefinite waiting lists and dead (denied care for) seniors.

The catastrophic unfortunate result is that decisions which impact America’s seniors will be made without any due process in the absence of the democratic process, autocratically without the system of checks and balances that would normally apply to important matters of public policy.  Yet your recent budget called for expanding IPAB by tasking it with essentially eliminating making even larger cuts to Medicare than those called for in the health law, even though the trustees of the Medicare program have told us that IPAB’s provider cuts would be “difficult to achieve in practice,” because of the denied care that seniors would experience.  Look, we don’t want to be cutting off care to seniors, only young women.

We believe Congress should repeal IPAB, just as we believe we ought to outlaw (repeal the entire) health care completely (law).  In its place, you need to come to OUR table (we should work in a bipartisan manner) to develop the long-term structural changes that are needed to stop abortion rights and women’s access to health care coverage strengthen and protect Medicare for today’s seniors, their children, and their grandchildren.  We hope establishing this board never becomes a reality, which is why full repeal of the Affordable Care Act remains our goal.

Sincerely,

John Boehner                                                                       Mitch McConnell
Speaker of the House of Representatives                Senate Republican Leader


Brought to you by QNN, The Questionable News Network.

2011 Not Necessarily The Headlines

Tongue placed FIRMLY in cheek, here are a few not-exactly-headlines to reminisce over. 

Not Necessarily the Headlines

Snoopy Falls Ill. – Details Sketchy

Billy Mayes Dies of Heart Attack – Mighty Cardiologist Just Couldn’t Mend It

Clinton Frees Journalists from North Korea – Homeward Bound on the Red-Eye

Obama Promises Transparency in Government – Details Outlined In Closed-Door Session

Cash for Clunkers Needs More Cash – GAO to Investigate Wasteful Spending

First Amendment to NFL’s Open to Public Practices – Players, Coaches, and Fans Banned from Tweeting, or Other Communication

Sen. Ted Kennedy Recovering from Surgery – “For a Minute We Thought the Poor Old Chap Had Quit It.”

Freddie and Fanny in Trouble Again – Fanny Needs to Improve Bottom Line

Social Security Hacked – Security Measures to be Doubled

Community Service for Bernard Madoff – Bernie to Head Social Security Reform – “Put Everything Into One Pond, See?”

Breaking Bad Grumpy Cat

(Note the pics above were compiled from images found via Google Search)

I thoroughly enjoyed last night's finale of Breaking Bad.  The writing in this show was first rate.  I liked how they used the name Heizenberg after the man who posited the quantum physics principle of uncertainty.  The concept, in simple terms, states that as one improves his accuracy on finding the location of an electron he loses accuracy on its momentum and energy, but as one improves accuracy on momentum he loses accuracy on position and energy.  The entire story plot follows this type of pattern and by the end (SPOILER ALERT) Walter dies just before the police arrive.  They've found WALTER, but the meth lab, the people running the lab and business around it are either gone or dead.  Just when Walter is about to be killed, he manages to find his way to saving Jesse and he kills the gang with a trunk-mounted machine gun.  It was just an awesome ending for a great story.

Jesse was another good and proper ending.  I found myself laughing that he was driving away from the scene just before police arrive just as we met his character leaping out of a second story window as the DEA was raiding his lab.  Walter may have used the name Heizenberg, but the name didn't take it's full meaning without the two of them.  As a team, they escaped prosecution as Walter died from his injuries after fulfilling his objective of providing for his family, and Jesse escaped the scene ahead of being discovered there.

Again I say, an excellent ending to an excellent story.

New Technology for a Brave New 1984

With the advent of the NSA scandal, I have to wonder, as I'm sure many people will, about Apple releasing 2 new iPhones.  I came across this article that was referenced on Facebook.

In my cynical thinking, given the latest news about the latest released documents from Edward Snowden, I had to wonder the following (in jest of course - I think):

I'm guessing the less expensive model comes with features like:
1) NSA Forwarding
2) Alert messages and auto-highlighting for certain "key words and phrases"
3) CIA drone beacon
4) Unobtrusive Auto-upload of GPS history to NSA.gov
5) 3rd Party Auto-Decrypt
....

I do wonder how that news will effect the technology market, and even people's communications.

It's sad.  When I read THIS article, I have to admit that for as cynical as I am, I was a bit "gobsmacked" myself.  It would seem that the distopia of Eric Blair's (George Orwell by pseudonym) 1984 is finally being realized today.  It might only take the slightest nudge to turn the "Department of Homeland Security" into the "Ministry of Love."  This is a scary prospect and there are people who should be made to account.  I don't, however, think this should be entirely aired in public.  There are some things the public should NOT know so as to protect our security as a nation.

So, in all seriousness, we writers make jokes about these issues and others, but we do understand that it represents something serious.  Perhaps that's WHY we choose satire to express ourselves at times.

Just some thoughts.

Self Scan Elf Can, Part II - Into The Heart of Christmas

Letter:  Santa Claus to Chester Elf

It was good to hear from you, Chester, and I’m glad that you’re getting on well.  I’ll see if I can get a credit card to you shortly.  It is awfully difficult to do much of anything these days without one.  Your manager at the shop was supposed to make sure you had the thing before you left, but it seems that didn't happen.  Also, it looks like Dasher has managed to break a few rivets on his harness and it may take a little time to prepare.  It seemed like for a while you couldn't step around the North Pole without stepping on a blasted rivet, but now there seem to be none in sight.  In the mean time, I will FAX a credit card number to the store manager where you are, and that should take care of your immediate need.  I am curious to see this “Elf Can” you spoke of in your letter.

That said, I think your manager failed to tell you the objective of your mission south.  The point of your trip, as it’s been far too many years you've been penned-up in that workshop and as much as you don’t seem to mind it, is to become acquainted with the twenty-first century.  The little boxes you speak of are called CELL PHONES.  Most people use a very common variant of this invention called a, “smart phone.”  Generally when they are not using it as a phone, and sometime then they ARE, they will be using their smart phones to do stupid things.  This has lead to those laws that you spoke of.  The mechanical carriages are called “automobiles” but this term is generally abbreviated to “auto” or “car” in common speech.  The operation of these vehicles is called, “driving,” and texting while driving is (agreed) one of the most dangerous things someone can do as it makes the driver actually (if you can believe it) WORSE than a DRUNKARD at the reins.  Oh, and just wait till you discover the, "Internet."  As for the O-M-G you got from the girl, SHE was being selfish, you can add her to the, “naughty list.”  You should know that we now denote gender when we refer to youngsters these days. 

So for the time being, I think you will need some extra help and I've arranged to have you seek out a very special individual who’s been down there for some years now.  He helps me a great deal with the kids and getting their Christmas wishes, but he’s not terribly near you I’m afraid.  Also, As Dasher’s harness is being repaired you may have to leave your present location in Mackinaw City (or were you on Mackinac Island?), and take a riverboat to New York City.  He’s in Queens, or was it the Bronx?  Anyway, He’s well nested in the heart of the concrete jungle, and you’ll find him there, I’m certain. He’s my best elf, and I don’t think anyone has ever been as prodigious as he in getting to know the kids of today.   He is very much a multi-talented fellow.  He once drew a picture of the misses; I have it hanging in my study.  It shows her blindfolded with a hand on Rudolph’s back, nose lit bright as ever, and pointing him into the darkness as if leading him there.  I always find myself in a reflective mood when I look at it.  Anyway, you should hurry up and get yourself on the first boat to New York City.

Thank you for all the help.

Good luck,

Nicholas Claus, Santa

PS:  I forgot to mention the name of this gentleman you’re to find.  He goes by the sir name Kurtz.  The  manager there should be able to help you.

Self Scan Elf Can

Letter:  Chester Elf to Claus, Mr.

I bid you good day, Santa.  It’s been but too long since you've ventured south and in the world yourself.  It was good of you to send me ahead and I thank you greatly for the opportunity to thusly scout opportunities on your behalf.   It seems that I’m in bit of a quandary at the moment as I've discovered a wonderful new product, in name it is referenced as The Elf Can.  It is but too unique to describe in words and as such I shan't attempt it.  In my eagerness to try some new inventions I see about me, I have attempted to use and odd method of cashier called “Self Scan.”

The manner of its behaviour is not as expected as I placed the “Elf Can” upon it and nothing happened.  I’m not terribly certain to what the “Self” refers as the Elf Can doth not “self-scan.”  I see no eyes upon it, nor do they appear at the “Self Scan” device.  Further, there be no eyes upon the Self scan device and I fail to comprehend the purpose of a machine that would merely self-scan when it is the aid of a cashier for which I have need. 

It would seem that letters of credit are also no longer accepted, for I approached an oddly uniformed woman who explained that there are but three companies for whom they accept letters of credit in the form of little plastic (she called it plastic) pieces.  These companies are Master Card, Visa, and American Express.  As for the second, I was quite unaware that the border services were in issue of letters of credit, but indeed it has been a long time since my last travel southward.  Unfortunately, I seem to be at a loss for a proper means of communication and thusly I have attached this note via your faithful reindeer Dasher in the hope that it will reach you promptly and he not find a cool meadow of alfalfa upon which to graze an thus lose precious time.  I do wish there were a more convenient means of communication.  This brings me to another observation I've made of the children I've seen as of late in my travel here.

    Children in this time all seem to have little boxes they hold in their hands and obsess over ceaselessly.  It would seem as though they've given up conversation in lieu of something called, “texting.”  Here and there one will see these young people flitting away with their digits upon the box and responding as if the box doth talk back.  I asked one such youngster what it was doing and was promptly told, “texting” in a seeming air of contempt.  Upon further research, I found that there are several rules, even laws regarding this activity of “texting.”  Though it illegal to engage in this activity whilst in operation of their mechanical carriages (You've just GOT to see these contraptions), yet do they this even to their own peril.  I quite suggest refraining from the use of these little boxes as gifts until a child should gain the age of majority and perhaps additionally a spark of wisdom doth ignite in its youthful, hormone addled, mind. 

I fear I have digressed much, and I shall get quickly to the point.  I am presently in need of one of these special letters of credit – I think someone just called it a, “credit card.”  (helpful, albeit rude some of these people be.  I am stuck at this blasted contraption and they've no sympathy for my situation.  Some little tart did call out the letters, O-M-G, as if this were some manner of instruction.  Clearly, this be not the case as there were no such label or reference upon this infernal device.  I really can’t abide the distortion of the language – it seems all too foreign to me.)  At any rate, would you be so kind as to procure one of these “Credit Cards” for me so as I might finish my transaction here.  As much as the shopkeeper did assure me his establishment operates round the clock (Seems like a folly to do such a thing.  Doth he not sleep? Or perhaps he be more like the undead and sleep no longer a part of his bodily need be) so as I may complete my transaction before the natives grow more restless than presently.

Yours truly,

Chester Elf.

Chasing Daylight

   We’re  late.  Our flight is late.  Through a myriad of missteps and a comedy of errors, we’re now finally getting off the ground.  Of course, by this time we should have been comfortably on our way.  We should have been off the ground before twilight.

   And now the pilot has put the throttle down and we’re racing westward, onward to our destination.  The sun teases on the horizon as we race the coming shadow, chasing daylight.  There’s little one can do when blocked by competing traffic on the tarmac after an errant plane blocked departure from the gate.

   Damned double-parked DC 10!

For now, we’re behind schedule.  For now, we’re just making up for lost time, chasing the sun; chasing the last colors and hues of the day.  Like the drowning man reaching for a floating bit of foam, we’re just chasing daylight.

   And as the darkness settles in, Mac Arthur’s words ring and my ears, “Old soldiers don’t die, they just fade away.”

A Beautiful Heist - A Tale of Stolen Title

   Malice aforethought denotes a wanton and even planned act of villainy.  To engage in it is to be one of planning, knowing full well that boundaries are to be crossed and injury of some kind will be inflicted.  This doesn't necessarily mean that one inflicts said injury as the singular objective of one's activity, but rather that nothing is done in mitigation of its expected effect.

   When once an author of Belgian descent set out to write a story, inspired by the the corruption he saw in the financial institutions of America and the political systems that support those financial institutions, he naively thought that the title of his work, and that of others', was a part of their copyright.  His title, A Beautiful Heist, chronicled some of the corrupt ways a futuristic organized criminal might acquire a company for pennies on the dollar, and it's villain a mysterious and shadowy almost, if not certainly, supernatural man of timeless age, extravagant taste, and immeasurable power.  Could he be brought down by the judge of  a court?  Would he be made to account for his crimes and be exposed for his own selfish and wicked deeds?  

    Well, as it would be revealed some two and a half years post of the original, another author seemed to have taken a jealous eye to this man's Title and sought to take it as her own.  One might never know the answers to the above questions. as with the help of a publishing house, Kensington by name, this woman did publish her own more Harlequin style of fiction under the same A Beautiful Heist.

    This of course puzzled the man, as he had done a long day's search via multiple resources to ensure that he would not take the title of another author's work.  This would be a dishonorable and despicable thing to do.  It would show a complete lack of respect for the honor and effort of that other author.  But of course this is America after all and not everyone grows up under the auspices of an Honor Code.  From 8th grade to his graduation from Culver Military Academy, the man lived under the code, "I will not lie, cheat, or steal, and I shall discourage others from such actions."  It is the code of a gentleman, it is the code of any person who would claim honor of his or her own.  The code was, "Conceived by and for the cadet corps of Culver... with the intention of developing within the corps of cadets, a respect for one's personal honor."  That respect is an important thing to the man, and it would seem only as natural that he might expect the same in return.

    So, the man found himself in a place undesired.  Should he, one man, take on a publishing house in New York City who, it might be expected, should have an army of lawyers at the ready prepared, even licking their chops, to lawyer their way around the theft of another author's title?  Would he even have a chance against their Harvard-graduated minds, and experienced scheming?  Not to mention that they have the home "court" advantage being in New York City.

    With a bit of angst and a sense of irony from the nature of the title stolen, he has fired the opening salvo to what he hopes will be a quick and cordial resolution to the would-be scandal.

Stay tuned, as one can only WISH that this were fiction.

ORIGINAL
OFFENDING


To Be Continued...

Random Nonsense

Inspired by another non-sense poem (Bet you can't guess that one):

One bright May in the middle of a blight,
Two bread toys got up a fright.
One was kind, the other couldn't pee,
Machine Shop Kenny was a refugee.
Hack to crack, they paced each other,
Drew some pics and forgot another.
A daft old clansman heard the ploys,
and came to eat the two bread toys.
Now if you think the fry is roux,
Ask the hangman, he ate 'em too.

Something's Wrong With This Picture, er... Video

It's scary, sometimes, to realize how far we can go before we notice what should have been totally obvious right from the off.  Can YOU tell what's wrong with this picture?

Mixed-Metaphor of the Day - 2013-04-08

When life gives you ferrets, make poodles!

A Tale of Mr. Fox

Welcome to Ada, Michigan, just a little South and East of Grand Rapids, where in the woods, lives a neighborly group of woodland creatures, each one playing an important role in the culture of the wood.  On one particular Autumn day, Mr. Squirrel was out gathering acorns for the long winter ahead, when along came Mr. Fox who craved a little… …conversation….

 

“Hello Mr. Squirrel,” said Mr. Fox.

 

“Hello Mr. Fox,” he replied.

“What are you doing there?”
  

“I’m gathering acorns.  Why do you ask?”

 

“Well, what do you do with all those acorns?  You can’t possibly be eating them all.”

 

“Well, we squirrels do a few things with them.  Right now I’m storing them to save them for later.”

 

“Why not just find them when you need them like Mr. Rabbit does, or like the deer do?”

 

“I just like knowing that I have  enough for the winter before the cold air sets in.”  As Mr. Squirrel finished saying this it occurred to him that Mr. Fox didn’t seem to be doing anything, but was simply gazing rather intently upon him.

 

“Mr. Fox, why aren’t YOU saving up for the long winter months?”

 

“Oh, my food won’t keep though the winter.  Besides, I like my food nice and fresh.”  stated Mr. Fox with a not-so-subtle lick of the chops.

 

“You don’t say,” replied Mr. Squirrel with a little hesitation.

 

“Well, while fresh acorns are the best, I’m still a believer in saving because the winter can be a cruel teacher to those who don’t.  Don’t YOU save for winter Mr. Rabbit?”

 

“Heh, heh, heh!  Are you kidding? I ONLY eat fresh food.  Yes, Sir! Only the best for me and my family.”

 

“But why not save up for the times when food is not so easy to get?”

 

“I eat fresh food because I’m worth it!”

 

“I couldn’t agree with you more,” said Mr. Fox.  “Won’t you join me for a little fresh dinner, Mr. Rabbit?”

 

“Well-gotta-go! Got-carrots-to-eat-you-know!  B-B-Bye”  And with a parting tip of his ear, and a quick show of his cotton tale, Mr. Rabbit was gone.

 

“Mr. Cardinal!  You’re just in time.  Mr. Fox and I were just talking about the need to save up for the winter.  Don’t you save up for the winter months?”

 

“Well, actually, I need to be careful of my weight.  I have to fly to be able to find food and building materials for my home.”

 

“But what do you do for the winter?”

 

“Oh, I go to my summer home in Alabama.”

 

“So Mr. Cardinal, won’t YOU join me for supper?”

 

“Sorry-gotta-fly!  I’ve-got-a-tight-schedule-to-keep,” and with a few flaps of his wings, Mr. Cardinal was out of sight.

 

“So, Mr. Squirrel.  It seems that we’re alone again.  Tell me, what do you do with all your extra acorns?”

 

“I go NUTS, of course!"  After an awkward pause he resumed, "OK, well there’s a few things we can do with those acorns.  Of course, when we squirrels get hungry during the winter, we have a ready-supply of food.”

 

“Yes, yes.  You’ve covered that.  What else?”

 

“Well, in the Spring, as we’re planning on a future family, we can drop some of those acorns onto the ground and let them grow into new oak trees.”

 

“What good is that?  You can’t eat an oak tree, can you?”
 

“No, silly.  Of course I can’t eat an oak tree, but oak trees are where the acorns come from.   By planting more oak trees, there’ll be more acorns to harvest for my growing family.”

 

“A growing family you say.  Sounds interesting.  Tell me, what else do you  do with all those acorns?”  

 

As Mr. Fox asked this, he noticed that there were several other squirrels gathering around him.

 

“They’re helpful for letting others know when they’ve worn out their welcome.”  And Mr. Fox was forced to make a hasty exit under a hail of acorns.

 

The Cat from the Frat Comes Back.

Here's a little bed-time reading for the kids.  The link to the video read of this is on my Video Links page:

 The Cat From the Frat Comes Back…
By: Paul Van Huffel – 11/16/2009

This was no time to pray
This was no time to pun
This was no time for dames
There was work to be done.
 

  All that deep,
 Deep, deep dough
All that dough had to go.
 

When our speaker went
In to the Inn for the day,
She said, “Somebody has to
Glean all this away.
Somebody, SOMEBODY
Has to you see.”
Then she picked out two Somebodies.
Barney and me.
 

Well…
There we were.
We were trimming like that
And then who should come up
But the CAT FROM THE FRAT!
 

“Uh-oh!” Barney Said.
“Don’t you hire that cat.
That cat is a mad one,
That Cat from the Frat.
He does lots of bad tricks.
He’ll break us I fear.
You know what he did
The last time he was here.”
 

“Do tricks?” Laughed the Cat.
“Oh, my my!  No, no, no!
I just want to get in
And count all your dough.
Keep your mind on your work.
You just stay there, you two.
I will go in the House
And find something to do.”
 

Then the cat slipped right in!
He was up to no good!
So I raced in after
As quick as I could.
 

Do you know where I found him?
Do you know where he was?
He was dealing in sub-prime mortgages!
Yes he was!
He was setting up risk
And deferring his pay
And I said to the Cat,
“When the heck’s your payday?”
 

“But I like to sell homes
In this way,” laughed the cat.
“You should try it sometime,”
Laughed the cat as he tat.
 

And then I got bad.
This was no time for puns.
I said, ”Cat, you get out!
I have work by the ton.
We have no time for tricks.
We must go back and trim.
We can’t have you in here
Wasting funds on a whim!
You get out of the House!
We don’t want you about!”
Then I cut off his funding
And let it run out.
 

The funding ran out.
And then I SAW THE RING!
A ring ‘round our books!
And, oh boy! What a thing!
A big long red cat ring!
It looked like red ink!
And I said, “Will we ever
Shed debt? I don’t think!”
 

“Have no fear of that debt,”
Laughed the Cat from the Frat.
“Why, I can take debt
Off books.  Just like that!”
 

Do you know how he did it?
WITH FANNIE’S NEW DRESS!
Now the books were all clean,
But her dress was a mess.
 

Then Barney looked in.
Barney saw the dress, too!
And Barney and I
Did not know what to do.
We should work on the dough.
But that dress!  What a lot!
“It may never come off!”
Barney said.  “It may not!”
 

But the cat laughed, “Oh, no! 
I can make the debt go!
The way to take debt off a dress
Is just so!”
 

“Look Here!” laughed the Cat.
“It is no feat.
The thing that takes debt
Off a dress is Wall Street!”
Then we saw the cat wipe
The debt off the dress.
Now the dress was all clean.
But the DOW!  What a mess!
 

“Oh, DOW drops!” he laughed.
“Let me drop you a shoe.
To save DOW drops et al,
All I need is your news!”
 

Whose news did he use?
I looked and saw whose!
And I said to the cat,
“These are very bad ewes.
Now the debt is all over
THE SIX-THIRTY NEWS!”
 

“But your news will not
Know about that,”
Said the cat.
“They will never find out,”
Laughed the Cat from the Frat.
“The six-thirty news will have
No debt at all.
I will write them all off
With these cars in the hall.”
 

“But now we have CARS DEBT!”
I yelled. “What the hay!
CARS Debt!  What’s next?
Can you take THAT away?”

“Don’t tempt me,” he laughed.
“Why, you know that I will!”
Then he hopped in his car.
I was feeling quite ill.
 

“I can clean up this CARS debt
Before you count three!
No debt is too big
For a Frat Cat like me!”
 

He ran into the Senate
And then the cat said,
“It is good that your Senate
Has the right kind of bread.”
 

Then he shook the bill!
SMACK!
Now the Fed had the debt.
And all I could say was,
“You’re all wet, Cat!
You’re all wet!”
 

But the cat now looked ill.
He just stared at the Fed.
“This is NOT the right kind of bread
The cat said.
To take debt off THIS Fed
will be hard,” said the cat.
“I can’t do it alone,”
Said the Cat from the Frat.

  

“It is good I have some one
to hep me,” he said.
“Right here in the ACORN
On top of my head!
It is good that I have him
Here with me today.
He helps me a lot.
This is Senator A!”
 

Then Senator A
 took the cap off HIS head.
“It is good I have some one
To help ME,” he said.
“This is Senator B.
And I keep him about.
And when I need funding
Then I let him come out.”
 

And then B said,
“I think we need Senator C.
That debt is too much
for the A guy and me.
But now, have no fear!
we will glean it away!
The three of us, Senators B, C, and A!”
 

“Come on!  Wipe it away!”
Yelled Senator A.
 

“I will hide that old debt
In this room! Do you see?
It comes off the old Fed!
It goes on your T.V.”
 

And then Senator B
Cleaned up the T.V.
 

He wrote up a bill
Put the debt in Japan!
Then C sent it out
of the House with a fan!
 

“But look where it went!”
I said. “Look where it blew!”
You blew the mess
Out of the House.  That is true.
But now you made Dough Debt!
You can’t let THAT stay!”
 

“Let’s consider that now,”
Said C, B, and A.
 

“With some help, we can do it!”
said  Senator C.
Then BANG!  On his head
We saw Senator D.
Then, BANG!  BANG!  BANG!
Senators E, F, and G!
 

“We will launder that dough
If it takes us all day!
If it takes us all night,
We will wash it away!”
Said  Senators G, F, E, D, C, B, A.
 

Then Senator G
Took the cap of his debt.
“I have Senator H
Here to help us he said.”
 

“Senators H, I, J,
K, L, and M.
But our debt is so big
We must have more than them.
We need Senator N.
We need O.  We need P.
We need Congressmen Q, R, S, T,
U and V.”
 

“Come on!  Spread those debts!
Kill the mess!” yelled the cat.
And they jumped at the dough
With new bills and red ink.
They sent some to jails
And they made paper hills!
Ink straw men, Green Taxes
And new healthcare bills!
 

Oh, the money they spent!
And they spent as such rates,
It was all one big debt pile
All over the states!
But the Cat just stood there
And he said, “this is good.
This is what they need do
And I knew that they would.”
 

“With a little more debt,
All the work will be done.
They need one more guy.
And I know just the one.”
 

“Look close at my plan
I have Congressman V.
On his bed are Rep’s W,
X, Y, and Z.”
 

“Z is too fried to free.
So don’t try.  He’s not vet.
But Z is the one
Who will clean up the debt!”
 

“Now here is the Z
You can’t free,” said the Cat.
“And I bet you can’t guess
What he has in HIS Frat!”

  

“He has something called Shroom.
Shroom is so hard to get
You’ve never had anything
Like it, I bet.
Why Shroom cleans up everything
clean as can be!”
Then he yelled,
“Get your Frat on now,
Congressman Z!
Take the Shroom off your head!
Make it clean out the dough!
Hurry! You Congressman!
One, two, three, GO!”
 

Then the Shroom…
It went VROOM
And oh, Boy! What ensued!
Now don’t ask me what Shroom is.
I don’t want to know.
But, boy!  Let me tell you
It SUCKS UP THE DOUGH!
 

“So you see!” laughed the Cat,
Now your reps are all deft!
Now your dough is all gone!
Now your House is all Left!
And you know where my Senators are?”
Said the Cat.
That Shroom blew those Senators
Under the mat.
And so if you ever
Have debt, now and then,
I will be more than happy
To come here again…
 

With Senators A, B, C, D..
E, F, G,
H, I, J, K,
L, M, N
and O, P.
And Q, R, S, T,
And Rep. U and Rep. V,
And Congressmen W, X, Y, and Z.