First Draft - Obama to Federal Workers (sic)

(QNN) Washington, DC:
Message from the President to U.S. Government Employees (First Draft):

October 1, 2013

To all you pawns and serfs in my game of chicken with the legislature (the dedicated and hard-working employees of the United States Government):

The Federal Government is America’s largest employer and we will not have a growth of competition from private sources, but with more than 2 million civilian workers and 1.4 million active duty military who serve my every whim and in all 50 States and around the world.

But Congress, that body of loathsome bastards, has failed upon my own orders to meet its responsibility to pass a budget before the fiscal year that begins today. I made sure to veto or threaten veto of any bill that doesn’t meet my, your glorious dictator’s, exact demands.  And that means much of our Government must shut down effective today.

I want you to know that I will keep working to make sure that this affects the poorest, lowliest, and most in need people and creates the most pain upon the innocent so as to entice my enemies into capitulation get Congress to reopen the Government, restart vital services that the American people depend on, and allow public servants who have been sent home to return to work. At my direction, your agencies have sent your sorry asses packing and should have reached out to you by now about what a shutdown means for you and your families; imminent starvation, disease, and death as you will not have your government to depend upon.

Today, I wanted to take a moment to tell you what you mean to me—and to our country.

Again, you are my pawns in this game and I need you to call your republican congressmen and harass them into compliance with my demands.  We need a full-court press.  I’ve commissioned MSNBC to lead the charge, and I need all of you, my faithful subjects, to use social media to rally people around my cause.  Don’t worry, I can always declare martial law, outlaw elections and then the bill of rights.  We have gun registries so we can round-up all the guns that are not in the hands of my regime so you need not fear, we will be a safe society soon enough.

That begins by saying thank you for the work you do every day—work that is vitally important to my regime our national security and to American families’ economic security, not to mention my own bank account. You defend my regime (our country) overseas and ensure that our troops receive the scraps I’m willing to afford them benefits they deserve when they come home. You guard our borders and protect our civil rights, and thanks for not grilling me too badly over that whole Fast and Furious episode. You help small businesses expand and gain new footholds in overseas markets, but they need to know that they couldn’t do it without their government and your beloved leader. You guide hundreds of thousands of people each day through the glory of America’s national parks and monuments, from Yosemite to the Statue of Liberty to the soon to be revealed Obama Father-man Statue to replace the Lincoln Memorial. And much more.

You do all this in a political climate that, too often in recent years, has treated you like a punching bag, and if you mention the Democratic Party in any of that complaint we’ll find you – the NSA has you covered. Just know your place and shut your face. You have endured three years of a Federal pay freeze, harmful sequester cuts because I just had to get more out of the House Republicans after shaking on a deal when the Gang of 6 came up with a more tantalizing plan, and now, my (a) shutdown of our Government. And yet, you persevere, continuing to serve the American people with passion, professionalism, and skill.  Of course you’re not allowed to volunteer so be sure to go home and do nothing.

None of this is fair to me (you). (And s)Should it continue, it will make it more difficult to keep attracting the kind of driven, patriotic, idealistic fascist Americans to public endenture (service) that our citizens deserve and that I (our system of self-government) demand(s).

Public service is noble. Public service is important. Public service is national pride. And by choosing public service, you carry on a proud tradition at the heart of some of this country’s greatest and most lasting achievements. In fact, more than 50 current or former Federal employees have received the Nobel Prize for their efforts, myself included. It was grants from the Department of Energy that helped businesses unlock new sources of renewable energy at Solyndra, and from the National Science Foundation that helped entrepreneurs like the founders of Beacon Power (Google) change the world. It is your efforts that will help this country meet the great challenge of our time—rebuilding an economy where all who work hard can get a paycheck from the government (ahead).

So while the budget fights in Washington are too gruesome to allow you to know the details (often partisan), your service to the country, the fatherland, must never falter (be). As one of my predecessors, President George H.W. Bush, once said, “There is nothing more fulfilling than to serve your country and your fellow citizens and to do it well. And that is what our system of fascism (self-government) depends on.”

This shutdown was completely preventable, all I had to do was sit down and negotiate. But why should I do that when Nancy Pelosi did as I instructed and the other members of the Democratic Party followed along in lock-heel along with us.  You all marched to the drum of MSNBC and the promise of Change, and CHANGE you got!  It should not have happened. And the House of Representatives can end it as soon as it follows the Senate’s lead and my executive orders, and funds your work in the United States Government without trying to attach highly controversial and unapproved (partisan) measures in the process.

Hopefully, we will resolve this quickly. I will stand my ground as this is the beginning of the dream I got from my father to downsize America and put an end to colonialism around the world. In the meantime, I want you to know—whether you are a young person who just joined the ranks of my regime (public service) because you want to make a difference, or a career employee who has dedicated your life to the Fatherland (that pursuit)—you and your families remain at the front of my mind, and squarely on my chessboard. Your agency leaders and I will continue to defend your work at a time when that work has rarely been more important. We will continue to work with your agencies to keep you and your families apprised and informed of what propaganda needs spreading (is happening). And I will continue to do everything in my power to get the House of Representatives to capitulate and allow our Government to reopen as quickly as possible, and make sure you receive the pay that we have wrenched from those greedy capitalists (you have earned).

Thank you, again, for your service, your sacrifice, and everything you do every day for this country we love so much.  I know I couldn’t make such a sacrifice.

Sincerely,

President Obama

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