First Drafts - A Series of Parodies.

I call these little works, "First Drafts."  They're generally taken from a public speech or letter and the crossed-out sections have been added to give a feel for the subtext and for the purpose of parody.

Please enjoy:

WASHINGTON, DC (QNN) – Newly obtained first draft of House Speaker John Boener's letter to the President regarding the "Death Panels":

May 9, 2013
The President
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500

(Dear) Mr. President,

We write to respond to your March 29, 2013 letter demanding requesting that we submit the names of individuals to be publicly humiliated by serving(e) on the Individual Payment Advisory Board (IPAB), which was created in the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act (Public Law 111-148).  Because the law will give IPAB’s 15 unelected, unaccountable individuals the ability to euthanize (deny) seniors (access to innovative care), we have to tell you to go fuck yourself we respectfully decline to recommend appointments.

As you know, we opposed the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act because we knew it was a money pit and power grab would increase health costs, impose costly burdens on job creators, and raid Medicare to pay for a massive new entitlement.  In order to allow supporters to claim that the law’s Medicare cuts would be realized in the future, it tasked IPAB with slashing reducing payments to providers or eliminating payments for lifesaving certain treatments and procedures altogether.  These slashed reduced payments will force providers to stop seeing Medicare patients, the same way an increased number of doctors have stopped taking Medicaid patients.  This will lead to access outages problems, indefinite waiting lists and dead (denied care for) seniors.

The catastrophic unfortunate result is that decisions which impact America’s seniors will be made without any due process in the absence of the democratic process, autocratically without the system of checks and balances that would normally apply to important matters of public policy.  Yet your recent budget called for expanding IPAB by tasking it with essentially eliminating making even larger cuts to Medicare than those called for in the health law, even though the trustees of the Medicare program have told us that IPAB’s provider cuts would be “difficult to achieve in practice,” because of the denied care that seniors would experience.  Look, we don’t want to be cutting off care to seniors, only young women.

We believe Congress should repeal IPAB, just as we believe we ought to outlaw (repeal the entire) health care completely (law).  In its place, you need to come to OUR table (we should work in a bipartisan manner) to develop the long-term structural changes that are needed to stop abortion rights and women’s access to health care coverage strengthen and protect Medicare for today’s seniors, their children, and their grandchildren.  We hope establishing this board never becomes a reality, which is why full repeal of the Affordable Care Act remains our goal.

Sincerely,

John Boehner                                                                       Mitch McConnell
Speaker of the House of Representatives                Senate Republican Leader


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